This past week was one for the books and not in a positive way.
I was pretty vulnerable a few months ago about experiencing another pregnancy loss at 11.5 weeks which was completely devastating. I was really struggling to decide on my next steps. I have been going back and forth with making the decision to hit pause on trying again until I felt like I could handle the mental strain that comes with early pregnancy. I can’t even say that it is hard for us to “try” and get pregnant so there isn’t much stress when it comes to “trying to get pregnant”. We have been lucky in that aspect, the hard part for us is remaining pregnant.
A couple weeks ago we found out we were pregnant, again! Less than 3 months since the previous loss. I felt happy, scared and relieved.
It all came crushing down again last week we found out it was another miscarriage. Yup, that makes loss #4…
I keep trying to hunt for explanations and answers as to why I could have 2 losses, 2 babies and now 2 more losses. I don’t get it. It’s the worst trick imaginable to experience knowing and understanding your body is pregnant to not being pregnant. I took a week off to be at home and really trying to pull myself together. The week was spent bonding with my boys, enjoying each other’s company, getting outside and doing things we enjoy as a family. All I can really say is I am sad.
I am not even going to sugar coat it… I am angry. I am angry with my body for getting my hopes up for it come crumbling down. I know there are some things that could be causing the losses but, it doesn’t make it any easier to cope with. I really don’t want pregnancy to become more medical and controlled than it already is for me. I always have wanted more of a hands off approach. This past week I really recognized some things that I need to help me get through this.
I need to be home more to see my kids. Being a working mom has been a tough balancing act. I just want the opportunity to be more present with them more. Camden is starting preschool this week and I want to be there to drop him off AND pick him up consistently. I want it to be me. Not my mom or a nanny. It is fantastic to have support with our kids however, I want to do those things.
Do I want to try again? Is it worth it? Is it really worth putting my body through all this up and downs physically and mentally? My body literally feels like a yo-yo between the hormones fluctuating to my body expanding and deflating over and over again. For now, I know that I can’t do much other than accept my days as they come. I am working towards the goals that I have to give me a better sense of identity. I really don’t have an answer as to what I want to do when it comes to expanding our family. It is hard to feel so confused. One day I feel so certain that I am done and other days I am done. I know I don’t have the answer right now but, I think being open and honest about my experiences is allowing me the space to grieve and heal from the recent events.
Love to all my friends.